19 July 2010

Home Sweet Homicide...

Dear Blog,

Please forgive me - I completely forgot you existed. My bad, b! Anyway, a ton of stuff has been going on lately. Probably the most important was redecorating Philip's house to make it look more like a sexy bachelor pad and less like a bunker where a serial killer might sleep. It was a smashing success, if I do say so myself. All part of 'Philip Wife Quest 2010'. He'll thank me once Miranda Kerr shows up unexpectedly and declares her deep love of online poker and beards.

The second most important thing that's happened since I forgot about you is that Jame-o and I FINALLY found a place to live. As you know (because, naturally, you know), our lease ends August 31st and we were well on our way to being hobos, riding the rails with little handkerchief knapsacks slung over our shoulders and soggy half-smoked cigars dangling from our lips.

yeah. kinda like that.

It had been almost 2 hours into our search and I was about to give up all hope and start looking up recipes for canned beans, when we turned the corner and there it was. The cutest little house you ever did see. Yellow with a front porch and a crepe myrtle tree in the front yard, bay windows in the front, 2 chimneys, stained glass, a fenced in backyard. I'm hyperventilating at this point, so we call the number on the sign and set up an appointment to see it the next day.


Like the kind of love that only comes with hardwood floors and a claw foot tub.

So, needless to say, we asked where to sign and I've since been mentally decorating during all of my waking hours. The only issue with this house (excuse me: with this DREAM HOME), is that it's in Grant Park which is about a 2 day's journey from my office. The other issue is that Grant Park is a leeeetle bit close to the prison and, in some spots, a bit dicey. But it's also where the Zoo is and, please, like anything bad ever happened when there was a panda around!

Aaah! See also: Amazing!

So, last week Jame-o and I were talking about the move and I was all a-twitter, smiling and laughing and he turned to me with his brave protector face on and said, "Now, I know that you're excited about this house, but just remember that you'll probably get murdered."

me: excuse me?
Jame-o: I just want you to be aware because I worry about you...but you're for sure dead meat.

Now, I should probably mention that 2 years ago (on the opening day of the Beijing Olympics), our apartment was broken into and pretty much all of our stuff was stolen. Since that day, every time I unlock my front door I mentally prepare myself for all of my shit to be gone again.

I'm essentially operating at Level Orange on the Terror Threat Scale every minute of my life.

It's a pretty crap way to live. But I wasn't scared to live in Grant Park. That is, until Jame-o really drove it home, essentially implying that I'll be beaten to death by al qaeda members as I'm bringing in my groceries.

Jame-o: I don't want to upset you, but you should know that you are almost definitely going to get beheaded while doing your VO5 hot oil treatment in the new house
me: good talk, buddy

So, now I'm at Threat Level Magenta and am ready to move back in with my parents. I decided to let Google help me overcome my fear.

Here's what it gave me when I asked about the hood:

DEF not scared of this one. In fact, I was this slute for Halloween 2 years running in college.

Here's what it said when I mentioned the packs of wild, rabid dogs:

come on, even I'M not scared of that!

Roaming gang activity returned this little gem:

there are no words. only gang signs.

See, nothing to be afraid of. Except maybe pandas. And, as the people who just moved into the apartment above us proceed to have loud, raucous sex for the second night in a row, I'm beginning to think I'll take my chances.

Hood rich.


08 July 2010


Dear Blog,

I am effing HEARTBROKEN over here! Literally:

ew...someone needs concealer

Those are real tears, people! I realize that this easily qualifies me as the biggest loser to ever sit on this couch, but I. don't. care.

Alex (who, for those of you who have lives, was the most deserving SYTYCD contestant and totes the most amazeballs dancer I have ever seen - and I have seen myself in front of a mirror after a few glasses of wine) had to go home tonight because of some gross sounding ligament issue that the show's producer described in detail as my stomach tossed and turned recalling my own torn ACL 4 years ago. But that's a story for another day (one involving a bouncy house, BBQ pork and a bottle of tequila...shudder).

Anyway, I just wanted to share this devastating news with all 7 of you. Well, Jame-o already knows because he was sitting next to me on the couch Googling which NBA team will be paying LeBron epic fistfuls of cash (spoiler alert: Miami) as I burst into tears after learning the fate of someone I've never met, but whatever.

Good luck picking up the pieces of your broken hearts. Don't worry too much over me. I'm coping:

don't look at my embarrassing couch cushions...or my acne

Sad face.


06 July 2010

2 Posts in one day? Did you win a contest or something?

Dear Blog,

I figured I would make up for the fact that I've been a very lazy blogger by posting twice this evening. I'm still recovering from, like, the most funnest weekend EVAH.

It was Amy's 24th birthday on Saturday and we decided to celebrate in style - if we were salmon, that is.

Jame-o and his brosef took us all up to Cleveland, Tennessee for a rafting adventure. On the way up we drove through a sleepy little town's Fourth of July festivities. It was easily the most amazeballs traffic jam I have ever been a part of. The perms! The sleeveless t-shirts! The cut-off jean shorts! And don't even get me started about what the women had on. I swear I saw the entire cast of Looney Toons in tattoo form. Embarrassing!

After some cake, it was river time...

Appy Irthday, Seester!

"The rainstorm and the river are my brothers! The heron and the otter are my friends!

Is it time to reapply my SPF70 yet?

Being an industrious duo, we decided to just strap a raft to the roof and drive my mom's car over the rapids. Smrt. I'm basically like Benji meets Smokey Bear meets the Little Mermaid. On account of my tail.

This is where I belong.

After nearly drowning several dozen times, we navigated our way back to civilization just in time to catch the fireworks. Superfun!

Wait. This is where I belong.

We'll tear your heart out.

Philly and I sparkled brighter than the fireworks. In your face, Lenox mall!

Basically, it was the greatest weekend anyone has ever had in the history of time. Now I'm watching Mad Men and it just taught me that George Washington was sterile. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

I don't even have a joke for the moron that yells "Parade!"

Appy Irthday, America!


Did someone say "pond of llamas?"

Dear Blog,

I've been agonizing over what to write about our trip to Destin 2 weeks ago - so much so, that I have completely psyched myself out. I've come to the conclusion that I'll just post a bunch of photos and let them do the talking...well, most of the talking.

We arrived on Tuesday at, like, midnight. However, seeing that there's a time difference, it was really more like 4:30am or something. Whatever, I'm not a scientist.

The next morning, I woke up and drove to the ends of the earth to pick up Jessica Bailey (Yessica Nailme, for those in the know) at the airport. I drove alone because I'm a good girlfriend and I let Jame-o stay home and watch the World Cup. I'm also a horrible girlfriend because, according to me, I'm in charge of Jame-o's day and honestly feel I deserve a round of applause for not dragging him downstairs and forcing him into the car with me. So sad for Jame-o!

After consuming our weight in Screwdrivers and Pinot Grigio, we hit the beach and melted.
Seriously, it was totes hot out there. I almost spontaneously burst into flames.

We hit up Red Bar and lost our ability to see (or exist) in color.

Look at that siren! It was Jessica's "Movie Star from the 40's Weekend Bonanza" or something.

Here's Jessica inviting me to her family reunion...and then immediately uninviting me. What a bitch.

These are our most genuine fake smiles.

Living the dream. Mermaid style.

Consider yourself mesmerized. Oy, Yessica! Muy caliente!

James tried to escape the siren song. Or maybe he's just psychic and knew that this was in store for him the next day:

Aaaahhhh! An abominable snowman has wandered onto the beach and collapsed! My eyes! The humanity! Aaaahhh!!
Side note: I internet apologize to the woman who inadvertently photo-bombed this picture.

Is that a majestic orca, cresting in the surf?

My bestie. True dat.

On our last night, I decided it would be acceptable for me to carbo-load, since the sun had officially set on bikini season. PUNS!

Jessica, acting like a hipster even while eating bread. That's dedication.

I couldn't have planned a better weekend. Well, I mean, I could have, but my funds were limited, Jame-o isn't a twin and there wasn't a helicopter pad at the condo.

Who's prettiest? I'll never tell...

I love vacation. I love Jame-o*. I super-duper love Jessica Bailey.

k8 (you might not recognize me anymore because I'm so tan, but it's me. I swear.)

*I also super-duper-sparkle-big-time-to-the-maxxx love Jame-o, too. Obvies.